Step 1: Getting Started
Only fools rush in where
angels fear to tread.
It is always best to
approach unfamiliar territory with caution. You need to plan before you actually go out there
and start dealing your cards. Be sure about yourself and be sure about what you
want. Just because anyone and everyone can type out whatever they want in a
chat room doesn’t mean that we have to do the same.
The Internet has a wonderful quality of being
accessible to every one. But this same quality attracts all kinds of people
into it. But just because a lot of people who enter a chat room have only dirt
on their minds, it doesn’t mean that everyone is like that. If you stick to the
class that you have and maintain your poise, you can indeed get the right kind
of response.
There
are a lot of nice people using the Internet, but it all depends on what you do.
Do onto others what you want them to do to you is the golden rule that applies
here. There are no rules for the game. All are players out there. But just
because others are ruffians, it doesn’t mean that you have to be one too. Your
approach is the only thing that can get you the kind of response that you want.
I
don’t think that it is very sensible to decide all of the sudden that you would
like to use the Internet to get a date. By just entering a chat room and saying
“I’m available” you are merely putting yourself up for sale, and will most
likely not get the results you desire.
One
point that all of us have to understand is that in a chat room, all are equal.
Do not go by the misconception that entering a chat room is like sauntering
into a ball room dressed in your best. Then everyone turns to stare at you and
the most eligible person (read that as the sexiest person of the opposite sex)
catches your eye and makes his or her way towards you.
That
kind of thing happens only on James Bond movies and we all know that James Bond
never goes in for a serious relationship. It’s all fun and games for him.
Where Do You Start?
The
first tip we would like to give you is NOT to go straight away into a singles’
chat room and try to find somebody who would interest you. All of us know that
most of such chat rooms are virtually flooded with people who have only one
thing on their mind - sex. So, no matter what you ask for, it always ends up in
that and the purpose is defeated. You will never get the kind of person who
kind of matches your interests and tastes.
Sometimes
it can really get quite infuriating. Everything starts off well. You are having
a nice conversation with a person and warming up when all of the sudden, the
topic moves towards the three letter word. The you let out a sigh and either
have to bar messages from that person and risk the person bad mouthing you in a
public chat room. Usually you have to leave the chat room all together.
In
other words, it is the easiest thing to get someone to sleep with you but if
you are looking for something more enduring, like a partner for life, then you
are going to have to be a little more patient. The pick of the litter is
not easy to find. But you do find it; it is going to be worth the effort.
So
instead of going into a singles’ chat room, what you could do is, you could try
the whole thing out from a different angle. You could try working backwards.
More Than Looks
Sit
for a minute or two and try and think about the things that interest you and
things that you would find interesting in a person.
By
‘things’ over here I am not referring to physical attributes. I am not
referring to something that might interest you in a person’s physical
appearance. Again the distinction has to be drawn between a serious
relationship and a casual relationship. In a casual relationship, the
importance is always for the physical attributes. We are more concerned with
what the person looks like and what the person has been endowed with.
On
the other hand, if we have a serious relationship, then the physical qualities
are not so important. Compatibility is probably the most important factor over
here. Along with that there are certain qualities that obviously we will be
looking out for. We are talking about qualities of the mind. After all, beauty is only
skin-deep!
This
idea might sound strange, but it is actually true. The idea is that it is
possible to grow to like the looks of a person. Once you find the character of
the person agreeable you will start liking the person as a whole. It is
entirely possible to fall in love with a person if the person does not look
like a movie star. That is one of the tricks that nature plays.
There
are many people who insist on taking a look at the other person’s picture
before actually committing to a relationship. They might have their reasons of
course, but I, for one, feel that such a decision based largely on looks is
more suitable for a casual relationship. It is bound to sizzle off after some
time. After all, how long can you keep staring at a person? And what happens if
the person doesn’t stare back at you?
Or
even worse, what happens if you find the person staring at another person?
Looks may be important, but they certainly are not the most important thing and
should never be used as the deciding factor if you are thinking about a serious
relationship.
Common Interests
A
human being is not like a piece of glass though which you can look and see the
other side. A human being is more like a diamond, which when held against light
reflects and deflects light so that a myriad of colors are seen. We’re complex.
We
have a lot of interest and the interests of one person need not match with the
interests of another. But thankfully the interests are not as numerous as human
beings. So we are bound to find a lot of people who share our interests. And if
we can find someone like that, then our search should end there. So, what are
your interests? That is something for you to find out.
Mind
you, you might have to do some serious thinking before you level down you
preferences. There might be a lot of things that you enjoy doing but about
which you have given a second thought.
Your
interests could be something like sports or outdoor activities. Or you could
think of interests like social work or cross-words or religious interests. Keep
the ball rolling; please understand that the words I have listed here are mere
suggestions.
Your
tastes and interests could be very different. So let them be. And once you have
decided on what your interests are then half the story is done.
What Interests You In A Person?
This
is probably the more important part of the story. Each one of us has to sit and
think about what we would like in another person. Having the same interests
doesn’t necessarily mean that you can get along with a person.
For
example, if you a person who likes to talk a lot, it doesn’t mean that you
could like another person who likes to talk a lot as well. If two people try to
keep talking at the same time then obviously, there cannot be any dialogue.
So
also, if you are the silent reserved type and the other person too is the
silent reserved type, the there will hardly be any dialogue at all! The word over
here is “compatible.” The interests of partners should complement each other
and not clash.
Keyword Searches
So
now that you have decided what is it that interests you in a person and what
your interests and tastes are, try such key word searches on a search engine
like Google.
The
idea over here is not to advertise yourself as a person who is in search
of a life partner. No matter how well you put it, it looses that touch of
subtlety once you are in a singles’ chat room. So don’t do it that way. You
remember how we spoke about working backwards; this is how it is done.
We
will tell you how to project yourself best in a later chapter but for now let
us talk about finding Mr. Right or Ms. Right. An interesting thing to be noted
here is that it is not difficult to fall in love with a person or to make a
choice. The difficult part is to make the right choice and to fall in love with
the right person.
Likes Versus Dislikes
The
second thing that you could do is chalk out a list of qualities that you
genuinely dislike in a person. Yes I am not joking! Dislikes are just as
important, or even more important than likes. We all have to make compromises
here and there, but if we start away by condoning things, which we genuinely
dislike, it is going to tell on the relationship at sometime or the other.
I
would like to give a word of caution over here. A lot of people make a mistake
when they are courting. They put up their best behavior, which is very good of
course, but they try to be very adjusting and accommodating which is NOT very
good. A point that they tend to over look is that they are not going to be
going on a camping trip with this person that they are trying to impress; they
are going to be living the rest of their lives with the person.
So
it is best not to be very “oh so very accommodating and adjusting.”
You
can afford to stick to things that you are very particular about. And if you
have any thoughts that you will be able to mold the person out of his or her
offending habits at a later date, forget it.
The
moment you start trying to mold or cajole the person out of his or her habits,
whatever they may be, the word becomes ‘nagging’ and if at all the person does
drop the habit, he or she will love you less for it.
It
really doesn’t work that way. So it’s best to have a clear idea about
qualities and habits that you genuinely dislike in a person and steer clear of
the ‘lesser mortals’ who have those habits.
Once
you have a fairly clear idea about your likes and dislikes you are in a better
position to make the right choice. And considering the multitude of people out
there, you do not have to worry or be over anxious that you just might not find
any one at all. He or she is out there, and if you are doing what you are doing
right, namely barking up the right tree you will succeed.
There
are some people who even believe that every thing is ordained. It has been
written down who should marry who and in the end only that which should happen
will happen. Well, I don’t know about that, but I do know that dating helps
speed up the process.
Another
thing that you could do is that you could just let nature take its course. Oh
nature has its wonderful ways. There is a lot of chemistry involved in the
selection of partner so maybe the best thing we could do is lend nature a
helping hand.
Friends First
Try
to look at this endeavor not as a prospective husband/wife hunt but as an
effort to make a lot of friends, and I mean good friends. Friends that you can
laugh aloud with, friends who make you laugh. Not everyone can make us laugh,
and when I say laugh, I am not referring to some comedian. We are talking about
friends here.
It
really does pay to have a lot of friends. It makes ones life richer. The best
thing about friends is that you can be yourself with them. And they too can be
themselves with you. And that means letting it all out. We must remember that
apart from being the dutiful husband or wife, your spouse should be your best
friend as well.
That
is one mistake that most couples make. They tend to look upon their friends and
their spouses as separate. While it is perfectly ok to have your own friends,
your best friend should always be your husband or wife.
It should be someone you can share your dreams
and fears with, someone who understands, someone who can give your hand a
gentle squeeze when things go wrong and someone who can brighten up your
darkest day.
All
this is a very far cry from sex right? That is why we did mention earlier that looks and
sex should be the last criteria in the selection of a life partner. The
marriage proposal must come as a natural sequence and it should by no means be
the first thing that comes out as soon as you warm up to a person. You cannot
very well say something like, “hey, you know what, I think we have the same
tastes so let’s get married.”
You
can say that of course but it would not be in very good taste. So what do you
do if you discover that one of the friends that you made and the one who you
were keeping your fingers crossed about is already married?
Do
you have a car? Then the answer is simple, just run over that person’s spouse
and remove the unwanted element, right? Wrong! It is just not done. You can
still be friends with that person and shift your attention towards another
direction. Who knows, you might even find a better person. All you have to do
is shuffle your cards and deal them out again.
I
hope you have got the hang of what we meant by working backwards now? Good.
There is another catch involved in this process. There is a chance that one of
the friends that you made may have read this book too and maybe the proposal
may come from the other end.
If
it does, then well and good; for it saves you the ritual.
Mr. Right and Ms. Wrong
But
then, what if the person who proposes to you wasn’t really what you had in
mind? Well, the choice is yours of course; you can take it or leave it. But
there is a point worth considering over here. If we can find someone that we
love that is good, but if we find some one who loves us, isn’t that better?
But
I would also like to add a word over here. Suppose some one does come and
propose to you but unfortunately, you are not in the least interested? You have
every right to turn the proposal down but please do it gracefully. There is no
need to hurt the other person’s ego. This person is obviously a friend of
yours, and surely you care deeply for them. However, if you know that you
cannot marry this person, a turned-down proposal is better than a divorce.
Try
to explain your feelings in the gentlest way possible.
Some Questions about this post
What does it mean only fools rush in where angels fear to tread?
Where Angels Fear to Tread was written by?
Where Angels Fear to Tread ending explained?
How do you beat where angels fear to tread?
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who said fools rush in where angels fear to tread or
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fools rush in where angels fear to tread figure of speech or
where even angels fear to tread bible verse.
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