How
does the agony of loneliness seem to penetrate the hearts of men and women
throughout the world? Even superstars who have been the icon of generations and
admired by millions feel unfulfilled (e.g. Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain)
The
feeling of loneliness is radically due to the failure of man in loving others.
The symptoms of loneliness magnetize the effects of the pain to the extent that
it forces the focus of attention more on ourselves and creates a
self-preoccupation that creates an obstacle to love others.
Ever
had a stomachache? Who are you thinking of at that moment?
This
illustrates the point that we are only thinking of ourselves. It shows a
terribly pain filled world in which we live in.
Furthermore,
the pain does go away like a stomachache. The so called Mid-life crisis is
turning more into a ‘young adult’ crisis now with suicide rates hitting the
roof and most diseases in the world today mentally induced or cured in
psychiatric wards.
The
basis of trust between people is eroding and less and less people are opening
up to one another. By failing to open up to others, the lonely symptoms spring
up as other people will not open up to you if you do not open yourself to
others first.
It
is said that if
you want to be surrounded by friends, be a friend to others first.
Love – The Verb, Not The Feeling
Love,
or rather the lack of it constitutes the loneliness breeding in a person’s
heart. It is a scary fact to note that we are largely shaped by others
(remember the sum of five people we spend most of our time with) who hold our
destiny in THEIR hands.
We
are what we are today – a product of those who loved us or have refused to love us.
Love
gives life to others. But what is most important is to remember is that in
order to love someone else effectively, we must love ourselves first! You can’t give what
you don’t have!
You
may think you ‘love’ a beautiful girl or a handsome guy if you don’t love
yourself (there is a song that goes: I am nobody until I met you or my life
is meaningless until you came into the picture) but that is not love.
You
may admire that person because he or she is good looking, you may worship that
person because you think he or she is better, you may even sacrifice your life
for him or her for your own selfish, self-gratifying ego, but you do not love.
Love is a verb. It is
an action. The feeling of ‘love’ is actually a product of the verb or action. By loving yourself first,
it forms the basis or foundation by which you love others without which it is
merely a baseless act of self-deception that appears to be loving.
But
how do we love ourselves if we have never been loved? In the next chapter we
will explore this area.
Learning
How to Love
How
do I take the first step to deal with loneliness? By learning to love. But
first we must examine the paradox to love.
When
we are lonely, we feel like we are in an unbearable prison. By its very nature
of loneliness is just like the stomach ache – the attention centers only on
ourselves. So we try and fill this emptiness by finding others who will give us
that very love we need.
People
often try to do things for others to gain their love. They barter trade favors
with each other thinking that they are loving people. We know that our
loneliness can only be filled by the love of others and therefore we must feel
loved by others.
The paradox of love is this:
If
we seek to fill the void of our own loneliness in seeking love from others, we
will inevitably find no consolation but only a deeper desolation. In other
words, if we seek the love that we need, we will never find it.
When
a person orients his life towards the satisfaction of his own needs, when he
goes out to seek the love which he needs, he is basically self-centered, no
matter how pitiful he is. As long as he focuses on himself, his ability to love
will always remain stunted.
What is the solution then?
If
a person seeks not to receive love, but rather to give it without strings
attached, he will become lovable and he will most certainly be loved by others
in the end.
We must stop being concerned with ourselves and begin
to be concerned with others. Beginning with the end in mind – which focuses the
results of the act of love others without concerned with self-gain, is the
first step to gaining love and easing the pain of loneliness.
Every
single person on earth has some capacity to love.
We all have some ability to focus the attention off
ourselves to the needs and concern of others. It is the extent that we are
willing to give, are we able to receive that amount of love from others.
Deciding to love others with no strings attached is
like a donation (we don’t expect anything in return, not even a satisfied ego
or relieved guilt), not a barter trade. When we ask
others, “What have you done for me?” we have failed to love.
Even if at the beginning you are only able to love
little, you will be loved little. That very love will empower you to grow and
produce more love and in return receive greater love from others.
But always remember that in making this self-donation
or self-sacrifice, our minds must always be focused away from ourselves or it
wouldn’t work.
What are the 5 signs of emotional suffering?types of emotional pain
What is the most painful emotional pain?emotional and physical pain connection
What do you do when emotional pain is unbearable?
Can emotional pain manifest physically?
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